....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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