She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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