I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
