Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
