a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
