Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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