No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
