Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
