I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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