I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
