I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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