i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
