First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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