can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
