you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
