the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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