Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
