its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
