I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
