Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
