I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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