i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
