wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i will never coherently bang her
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
