I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
