Little spoons don't ask big questions
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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