I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
