giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
