I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
