Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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