Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
