I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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