My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
