Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
