I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
