Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
