come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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