So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
