Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
