big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
