Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
not ubering you a puppy
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
