Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
