So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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