i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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