Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
