I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
