You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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