my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
