im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Barsexuality is the new black.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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