i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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