1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
